If he’s not on your pistol, do you even love him?
“Put the right-wing populist former president’s face on my gun” is something you hear a lot in a healthy and well-adjusted country.
And as it turns out, the good folks over at Glock have heard it a lot in this one — enough, in fact, to conclude there was sufficient demand to bring the GLOCK 19 “Trump” Edition from the paranoid fever dreams of your aggrieved exurban uncle into the reality that we all share. With a 15-round magazine, fixed sights, and, of course, bronze cerakote with custom “Trump” Edition laser engraving, this firearm is perfect for keeping the trans child-grooming BLM terrorist snowflakes out of your double-wide castle.* Pick one up now over at Palmetto State Armory.
The makers of this fine piece of lib-triggering craftsmanship were onto something when it came to the design. They could have put Trump’s face — which looks, by the way, like it was drawn by the same failed graphic design student who put his likeness on the gold coins Trump was hocking a while back, now available on moneymetals.com for the low, low price of $567.95 — anywhere. It could have gone, for example, at the end of the barrel, creating the impression that the bullets are flying right out of Trump’s mouth. That would ensure that the last thing your home invaders behold before their heads split open is the shining face of the only president we’ve ever needed. True justice.
Instead, they made the savvy decision to put his face right on the side of the handle. This way, as you unload into a paper target bearing the crudely-rendered likeness of Nancy Pelosi, you can imagine not only that you are avenging Trump’s impeachment, but that Trump’s glistening puckered lips are, in gratitude, lavishing gentle kisses upon the inside of your palm. The only risk here, of course, is that your subsequent arousal will become a distraction, undermining your aim.
Okay, let me drop the bit here. After all, I am, in reality, a staunch Trump hater, my animosity undeterred by the likes of one Greg Popplewell, who declares, in what is apparently the only review of the GLOCK 19 “Trump” Edition on Palmetto State Armory’s website: “Trump haters suck. Great gun, best President EVER. Greg Popplewell.” That review is dated April 26, 2020 — this gun has been around a while, though I only became aware of it last week, when the New York Times reported that Donald himself had expressed his admiration for it during a visit to a South Carolina gun shop.
“I want to buy one,” the former president raved.
The apparent dearth of reviews notwithstanding, this gun has apparently been quite successful; at the time of this writing, it was sold out at Palmetto State Armory. But while the product itself might be out of stock, the website still offers a wealth of culture-war posturing, particularly in a helpful Q&A section at the bottom of the page. There’s an envisioning of an Obama version of the gun, “one that is in rainbow and non functional” and “will shoot bubbles instead of bullets.” There’s a questioner who dares to doubt Trump’s pro-gun bona fides, only to be admonished not to “believe everything you hear in the media.” There’s even a liberal who makes a comment about Trump’s extortion of Ukraine’s president and is duly accused of being a brainwashed unemployed 16-year-old living in the basement of their coddling mommy.
Here’s a serious question: Does literally everything these people like have to be the height of tack? Whether it’s Kid Rock, or a flatulent Rudy Giuliani ranting about election fraud in front of the wrong Four Seasons, or T shirts crowded with eagles and rifles and rippling American flags, or the GLOCK 19 “Trump” Edition, they never seem to stop filling their version of America with the cringiest of aesthetics. Sometimes I’ll find myself thinking, “You know, Trump voters kind of have a point about us coastal blue-state city-dwellers being elitist and pious and out of touch.” Then I’ll look over the wall at the other side of the culture, survey the landscape, and think, “Jeez, at least we have taste. Woof.”
*This is where, as a precaution, I state the obvious: This is satire. I support the trans community and antiracist activism, and do not condone violence against anyone.